My Fortress of Solitude

Dixie died tonight. 

I was planning on taking her to vet on Monday, had planned the time off with work and everything, because I could tell something was wrong.  She had lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, and she was usually a solid chunk of a dog.  I would start to see her ribs, and that was a bad sign.  Her blossoming blindness had degenrated worse, but there wasn't much that could be done about that.  The last couple days she would drink, but I didn't see her eat much (with the exception of trying to eat the kitten food).  I had went out and bought her some wet food, and she nibbled at that but she didn't eat all of it.  She really hadn't shown much of an interest in the kittens until today, spending most of the time sleeping on her bed and just ignoring them, but today she was approaching them and I thought maybe she was perking up and her showing interest was a good thing.  I was watching her and all of a sudden it was like someone flipped a switch and she was on her side having a seizure or something, and I was at her side in a second.  I told Mindy to go get a towel, but by the time she got there I could tell - she was lifeless, she wasn't breathing, and her eyes were just blank.  She was gone.  I rushed her to the 24 hour emergency vet, driving in a haze of tears and rain as I kept talking to her, and when I got there they saw me rushing to the door with her in my arms, dressed in a t-shirt, sewat pants and white socks (I didn't stop to put on shoes).  They rushed her into the back, telling me to stay in the lobby because I was trying to follow them into the back, but I think it wasn't even two minutes and the receptionist said the doctor needed to talk to me.  I knew it was official, and that what I suspected when I left the house was true.  They brought her to me, and I petted and hugged her, crying the whole time.  The receptionist called and told Mindy while I was in the back with Dixie. The doctor asked me some questions and I told her what had been happening, she said that it was very quick and instant, she didn't feel any pain.  She said it could have been brain related, like a stroke, or else possibly cancer related (due to the weight loss).  They offered to do an autoposy, but I declined because if it turned out to be something that I could have prevented I would hate myself and wouldn't be able to live with myself.  I feel responsible enough as it is.  We are having her cremated, though what I will do with her ashes isn't even in my mind at the moment.  I have to explain what happened to Emily, who apparantly was very upset when I left.  She has known Dixie all her life.  I went into the dining room and there was her bed, her food dish, her water dish, all her toys and her treats...  But no Dixie.

As I was driving home from the clinic I remembered a dream I once had,that I wrote about in here, and I wanted to go back and find it and remember what it was.  I only wish I could have had that time with her to say a proper farewell like I did in the dream.  Instead I watched her light extinguish like a candle flame, in an instant, and I am left here with the feeling that I failed her.  My dad said she was happy, well taken care of, and she had a good life.  But in the back of my mind I wonder to myself if she really was happy.  I know that if she was in any kind of pain, she isn't anymore.  I am going to miss her terribly, and I don't think I will even consider getting another dog in the forseeable future.

I almost forgot to mention this - it's Dixie's Birthday Today!

I can't believe she is 5 years old... Which makes her 35 in human years. So, essentially, me and my dog are the same age and we're both older than Mindy. I wonder, does this mean she can tell Mindy what to do? If Mindy dismisses her, she can come back with, 'Respect your elders!'

Now that would be funny!

This weekend was marked by two interesting occurances.

First, the dog decided she wanted to take a shower. Mindy had come into the bathroom with Dixie on her heels. When Mindy left, Dixie stayed. So I opened up the shower door to tell her to move on out of the bathroom I was a tad surprised when she walked right into the shower, and promptly sat down! This dog, who hates taking a bath, wanted to take a shower!! So I figured what they heck and got out her shampoo and scrubbed her up in the shower.

Secondly, the very same morning while I was also in the shower and Mindy was paying a visit to the throne there was the sudden realization there was no toilet paper. Emily walked in and the next thing I hear from the other side of the glass shower door is Mindy asking Emily to go and get her some toilet paper from the other room. I told her to tell her it is where her potty is. A couple minutes went by and the next thing I hear is Mindy applauding Emily - it turns out she went into the other bathroom and grabbed the nearest roll and brought it back in a hurry. I tell ya, the girl is smart!

I just uploaded a bunch of pictures from my digital camera and found this little gem...



My wife had just turned Twenty Eight (two more years to go and she hits the big Three-Oh). I guess Dixie got a little depressed a couple years too soon... She eventually warmed up to the balloons and proceeded to chew on them, but than Spike decided that he wanted to play with them...



Needless to say, the balloons didn't last much longer.